A Sick Little Suicide

I have two cousins that are my age (that I claim… long story), anyway I have been best friends with one of them since forever, but within the last few years we have fallen apart… he literally lives 14 seconds away, and only 3 doors separated us for years, but now its like the wall of China is plopped downs between us, so now matter how close we physically got, we were mentally miles apart.
Its bugged me because I still wanted to be kids and play my childish games, naming the stars, building forts and watching the Never Ending Story numerous times in a row. But he grew up and got popular and started driving and going to parties, being the person I desperately wanted to be… and somehow I didn’t fit into his little club. We never went to the same school, and I wish we had, at school I was a totally different person, not putting on a show for our parents… I could be the person I was when we just hung out- the person that was worth while to hang out with… but it didn’t workout that way…
Anyways, he came over today out of the blue and we just kida hung out. We sat in his car and just talked-oh and smoked some weird Indian weed. It wasn’t actually peer pressure, and he even said that, but when he offered me some, I didn’t refuse, and I think its because I am so done letting him be the cool bad boy in the family… I can smoke too you know I can drink and party… why should he get all the fun while I sit at home all the time… I’m done with it.
Supposedly he is bringing a bag of weed to me tomorrow, I don’t think he will but I hope he does… at the same time though I cant help but mention that if he doesn’t, I won’t smoke a joint like ever and if he does… I’m going to get high. What would you do? He has me convinced that we are one in the same. Drug down and miserable because of our families and bored and lonely. But when you smoke you are so happy and you feel good all the time, if that’s true then bring it on, I want to feel happy, really happy.

Shawn Harris:
I’ve come to realize lately that I’ve put Shawn on this pedestal and feel stupid because I have.
I wonder what my friends think about the way I act when I talk about him… I know it would bug me. Can I think less of this guy? I don’t think so L ! He is so wonderful to me… Eric Clapton wonderful.
Curtis Lowe:
“Play me a song Curtis Lowe, Curtis Lowe… the finest picker to ever play the blues.” If you have no clue who Curtis Lowe is, then ask me… I write this kind of thing honestly to see how many people actually know these types of things…
Fergie:
I love how all of Fergie’s hits are all on the same CD. It has London Bridge, Fergolicoius, Glamorous, Big Girls Don’t Cry, and Clumsy on it… it is like wow Ferg, how many singles do you have on your CD… but I am super glad I “bought” it.



Now since Im bored Ill put up some lyrics… if you know them then fire away and send me the tile, artist, or next line.
Lets Start with an easy couple fill in the blanks…

1. “My girl likes to ___________ all the time”
2. “May your _______ fail before your _________ fail you”
3. “______ Red Wine” (If you don’t know this one, don’t even bother attempting any others….
4. “ I‘m as free as a bird … and this bird you cannot chain”
5. “It was back in 99 watching movies all the time when I went away for doing my first crime”
6. “I met this chick, she moved right up the block from me, she got the hotts for me the finest thing I’ve ever seen, but ohh no oh she got a man and a son though oh oh”
7. “Hate is a strong word, but I really really don’t like you”
8. “All that matters to me girl, win or lose in an X rated complete swirl of me and you.”
9. “I’ve got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck than any boy you’ll ever meet sweetie you had me…”
10. “ You have so many relationships in this life only 1 or 2 will last, your going through all the pain and strife, your turn your back and they’re gone so fast… so hold on to the ones who really care, in the end they’ll be the only ones there. When you get old and start loosing your hair can you tell me who will still care ohh yeah.”
11. “Say money money won’t get you too far get you too far.
12. “Let me be the one who calls you baby all the time, surely you can take some comfort knowing that you’re mine. Just hold me tight, lay by my side, and let me be the one who calls you baby all the time. I found my place in the world, I could stare at your face for the rest of my days.”
13. “ I don’t like you but love you, seems that I’m always thinking of you. Though you treat me badly, I love you madly.”
14. “ I told you I made dinner plans, for you and me and no one else. That don’t include your crazy friends- oh I’m done, with awkward situations and empty conversations.”

Really written on Nov. 14th

I am sitting in my History class and I am so frigging bored… we are talking about Communism and hey guess what… It doesn’t see all that bad… not that I’m a Commie (so Mc Carthy you better take my name off of your list).
But on another note… I’m upset because I can’t go to the Matches show in December… but I blame the guys for that one. Why would they have a show 3 days before Christmas? I miss Shawn and I really wanted to see him. lol I m not really mad at them tho, ill see them soon enough.

"Don't Worry, I'm Not A Cop"

Okay so hers is the set up, there are 9 of us at Outback for my sister’s 30th birthday dinner. We had seats at 8 but since we didn’t get there until 8:30 we missed our table and had to wait 30 more minutes. After standing around watching a group of old drunk guys fighting over who should drive home after having 3 shots and 3 beers (and yeah they had kids too), we finally got to sit down in the lobby area. So anyway, when I sat down but I guess I was showing some cleavge, no big deal right, well the next thing I know I see one of the drunk guys standing in front of me with a cell phone. So imagine it in your mind me, sitting down with cleavage and this guy standing with his cell phone pointed directly at my chest. Ewww it makes me sick just writing about it. So logically thinking I gave him the benefit of the doubt- he’s trying to get reception, but no no no I look at the screen and see that it says in plain English, camera mode!!! So I stick my hand up and cover his camera lens, and politely say “ excuse me could you stop that please” and he stutters and says back “oh don’t worry, I’m not videoing only you, and shines his camera oh my older sisters. Again I say “well that is pretty rude please go do tat somewhere else.” The guy kept videoing and said oh well I’m looking for good lighting, don’t worry I’m not like that I’m not like that. Oh and by the way, don’t worry, I’m not a cop.” Then he walked away. My big brother comes up to me and everyone in my family is looking at me, and he asks what that guy had said (only my sisters heard and we were all kind of shocked and speechless. Between the 3 of us we got the story out, and with out even waiting to hear the whole thing, my brother charges over to the guy and starts screaming “what the fuck dude. What are you doing filming my little sister!” So here we are, the Rowland -Leon family ready to brawl again. The guy’s friend, who saw every thing and thought that what had happened was all okay, pulled the guy away from my brother while Teresa (my sister) and my mom held my brother back. While the rest of the night was weird, I did feel kind of special because my brother was willing to fight the guy for me. But all in all I think it brought us a little closer (fights always do), and when the night was over, we only had two regrets: that we didn’t get a chance to throw blows and that we didn’t delete the video. I suppose it will wind up on you tube (I think highly of myself) Just kidding.

Im So Fed Up, Dat You Could Call Me "K Fed"

Im not the smartest person in the world, and rarely am I the smartest in the room, but this year I have to tell you… something changed. I am tired of taking these “college” classes and not learning anything what so ever. On top of all that I think I’m actually getting stupider because of them. And I know I use that line all the time but I’m serious this time, I am good at my job, and hearing all the dorks in my class talk about how they would deal with problems that I have been or will be forced with makes me so pissed because they have no idea what they are talking about… here is an example:
Topic: Parents wanting to stay and comfort their crying child at pre school drop off.
Stupid Girl answer: “well wouldn’t it work if we reminded the parent that they need to get to work? I mean we could say “Well you are the one who chose to work and leave your kid with us, so you need to stick to that plan.”
Okay so back to reality… WTF first if that was me and my child I would hit the bitch in the face and take my kid away from there cuz she obviously has some type of mental disability. Who, honestly would blame a parent for wanting to comfort their own child, gee lady maybe the kid is afraid of your stupidity.
So needless to say I spent that hour and a half class silent, I wasn’t going to encourage them, I wanted nothing to do with them. Now here come the conceded Nicole… but seriously, my pride aside, I am super good at teaching these kids. And this is the first time I’ve said this to anyone since I graduated but I want to be a teacher. Like a high school teacher, but not at first, I’m too young, I want to teach sixth grade at Windsor Middle or fourth grade at Brooks. Then move up to high school once I’m married and have a kid, but for stupid reasons (I loved high school so much and if I went to teaching there too soon I might try and relive my high school years).
So do you think I can do it? Can I become a teacher? I have doubts, major doubts. I don’t think any of my dreams will come true. I wonder why… lets play a game… I’m gunna go in my moms room and tell her that I want to teach fourth grade and see what she says. So make guesses now, I say money will come up and massage therapy… what do you think?
I’m nervous, wish me luck. Brb.
Okay so my mom said “Liz (my aunt) thinks it would be good if I was a teacher” then When I said, no what do you think, she said. “I think we don’t have to decide anything this second” So what can I say, she is right. I guess I should wait to decide, but at the same time I need to start looking into schooling and stuff you know… Whatever

Shawn Harris... Again

So I have a picture of Shawn Harris as my desktop background. I’m not sure where its from or anything, I found it on the internet, he is standing in front of a wall and it says fame in red, he has red paint on his face… oh wait, I’ll just include the picture here because I can’t explain it. But anyway every time I see the picture, which is a lot, as its on my computer screen, I get butterflies. Its weird I know and Ashley would probably laugh her ass off but, I just get so happy when I see his picture. Now I’ve only met the guy once, but I liked him, I mean yes I am totally head over heels infatuated with this guy and was just glad to know that he wasn’t an asshole.
I really don’t have much else to say. Thanks for listening

Ive been waiting for you, come in come in..

First off let me tell you why I called this blog “Hop In My Car” because the reason is simple, but not obvious, as if my blog could be my car at the same time (there is no way!!! My blog doesn’t have spinnas like my car). So anyway when I drive in my car with someone or by myself I talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk… get the point?
Secondly lets get a quick recap of my life, but only the exciting stuff… MUSIC!!! I come a mixed family and my brother and sister are from my mom’s previous marriage, there is a significant age difference, m older sister is 10 years older than me and my brother is 6 years older I love them both like they were whole instead of half because they make me whole… lol that was bad bad writing but its true. I hate when people say oh my half sister and shit, like seriously do you love them any less?!?!? I do though have a younger “whole” sister she is 8 years younger than me- I swear my love is equally spread between them all. Okay any way like I was saying… MUSIC. All my life I have heard all types of music and loved it all my sister’s new and old school R&B my brother’s rap, my mom’s country, my dad’s classic rock, now to my lil sister’s Disney channel music. I love it all we all did. I remember getting ready for school every morning and listening to Bone Thugs And Harmony’s Crossroads on MTV and the whole family chiming in, and more recently the family getting drunk at one of our poker parties singing along with Brenton Wood. I broke away kind of in 4th grade and started listening to N*sync. Boy Bands were my new thing and were until high school . But sophomore year kind of changed it all. My friend Jenn had an extra ticket to go see some band called Matchbook Romance. I was a little leery of the idea because “punk” music was one type that I never considered. Not that I find Matchbook Romance “punk” anymore, but at that time I considered Maroon 5 punk… and we all know how that turned out right J . so anyway I went, and I saw the best show ever that night . Imagine my shock and horror when the lead singer of some band called “The Matches” came out in a duct tape chicken mask. Who would have guessed that this true blue Justin Timerlake lover would fall completely gaga for the masked man… Shawn Harris.
My love for punk music grew, I got way and way more into the “scene” and while I never totally gave up on N*sync, I did start going to a few different concerts including a Matches and Street To Nowhere show. I was totally taken over by their music… how I would love to go to a jam session with Shawn and Dave… oh my one dream in life!!! It hasn’t happened yet… but I did meet Shawn and the rest of the Matches Jon, Justin, and Matt, at Warped Tour. Nice guy as far as I could tell, but I knew that way before I met them, their personalities come out in their music. I secretly fantasize that I am the girls that Shawn sings about… I guess its not a secret any more. And Shawn if you ever read this then will you write a song about me.. Not that you know me at all or remember me, although I made you blush at Warped tour in Mt. view, when I said “you are SOOOOOOOO hot, I have a video of it on my Myspace check it out (this goes to whoever wants to see it, I’m not seriously thinking that Shawn will waste his time on it, plus it’s a video of him… www.myspace.com/nicoleluvs____ ).
So long story short I love all types of music, but when it comes to The Matches or Street To Nowhere, its more than love. If you don’t know them or any other artist I named in this blog then tell me, I m always willing to share cds, or at least I’ll give you the name of a good website where you can download it for free. But let me know, here or myspace me.
( Shawn Harris I will see you in Berkeley on the 25th )